When I watch the smile on your face it makes me light up. I love hearing you laugh and sing. I love watching you jump and dance. Sometimes it’s hard to even punish you when you look at me with your innocent eyes. I want to thank you because in these past two years you taught me more than I could ever imagine. You taught me to love unconditionally. You taught me to never be selfish. Honestly, I can’t even shop for myself anymore. Every time I enter a mall I run to the kids’ stores because I am always thinking of you. You taught me to wake up at 7 am on weekends (I used to wake up at 12 pm). Most importantly you showed me a different side of your dad and I just love to watch him be all mushy and cheesy with you. You taught our family that we can stay strong and laugh through the many challenges we face. Most of all you gave me a beginning to what I want to do the most. You led me to become a doula and specialize in pediatric/prenatal Chiropractic care. In this letter which I will let you read when you older, I want to tell you I am truly sorry.
When your father and I got married we always imagined to have kids. Yes plural. We dreamed that they would be close together in age and love each other unconditionally. Something as both being the youngest ones in our families we didn’t really get a chance to have as much. I want to tell you how much I imagined having a second kid and you playing together. How I always think about it when I see a pregnant mommy with a 2 year old. I always wanted to give you a chance to have a sibling and share your memories together, a chance that I never got. I always told myself I didn’t want to have a big gap in between kids because my brother and I have a 7 year difference. I remember when we went to a private school and the playground was divided into ages. The school was kindergarten-8 so that was the only school we ever attended together. I remember seeing him over the divided line and being proud that I had an older brother, but that divided line stayed with us as we got older. We had such a big gap in age that our interests were always different and we continued to go our separate ways.
When I was growing up I felt like I was the only child so I imagined that I would have a closer gap in between kids. I wanted you to have a playmate. Someone you can share all of your secrets with as you get older, someone that you can play with, and set a good example. As the months fly by and the gap increases I want to apologize to you because your father and I made a decision. I know the onlookers are waiting for a big announcement every day. I constantly get asked when the second one will be on the way but here is our big announcement: we’re not pregnant, and won’t be for a while.
The truth is I love your toddler stage. I love how I have more time now to spend time with you. You see I kind of missed the last two years when I was scrambling to balance you and Chiropractic school. Even though, I can’t get those years back I can make the best out of the future. Your dad and I made a mutual decision to spend as much time with you and of course our older four -legged child as much as we can (even if your dad keeps mentioning a second dog adoption). I think we’re all good as we are now. I want to be able to take you everywhere (considering we live among so many theme parks). I want a chance to put you to bed every night and hold you as much as you want. I make faces at the people that judge me for holding you because as long as you want to be held, I will hold you. I love that all my free time I can dedicate and be there for you. So forgive me for taking that bonding chance away from you but I promise to make it up to you in the future.
I love you,